If Emmett were President
by comeonsugarletmeknow
Summary: How Emmett would solve some of our nation's major issues if he were president. AU. A by product of boredom on a Thursday. Not to be taken seriously...
1. Chapter 1

**Kay guys! We know this is late, but oh well. **_**Please don't get offened**_**. We just thought it would be funny. Kay? Disclaimer is on **_**teamtwilight**_**'s profile. **

**Oh, and the **_**italics**_** is Emmett's speeches and stuff. Kay?**

**READ AND REVIEW PLEASE!!**

**If Emmett were president…..**

**[1.] Fix the economy.**

_Emmett: "When I say "Go" you will all line up starting here by alphabetical order. No, not by last name, that is lame and I said that change was coming, so here it is. You shall now line up alphabetically by first name ONLY. After the "Aa"'s I don't care what order the "A"'s are in. That goes for ALL the letters. Now, when we call you up, you will step up to my lovely sister Alice, show your ID, sign your name, and get $100,000 of Carlisle's money. Any questions?_

_  
Carlisle: "What!?!? Emmett-"_

_  
Emmett: "Shh."_

**[2.] The whole energy crises, thingy.**

_Emmett: "OK guys, there's all this crap about energy and foreign oil. We need to solve it!! Which is why I have devised a plan of asking you people what to do. Any ideas?_

_  
Guy #1: "WE START WALKING!!!"_

_  
Emmett: Great idea!! But what about those old guys? You know, the ones with the liver spots?"_

_  
Guy #2: "MOVING SIDEWALKS!!"_

_  
Emmett: "Great ideas!! I will take them _very_ seriously. Meeting adjourned."_

**[3.] Abortion is….**

_Emmett: "Well, ya see, I think it's wrong! We need to stop this!! So, I think everyone should just become a vamp-"_

_  
Rosalie: "Emmett!!! Shut the hell up!! Some women (that were like me) want children!! Don't deprive them of that!!"_

_  
Emmett: "Um…ok honey. How 'bout we all just stay virgins?"_

_  
Rosalie: -cough glare-_

_  
Emmett: Yea, um…can we just come back to this later? Please?"_

_  
Edward: "I agree with Rosalie. Not everyone want to be a mon-"_

_  
Emmett: "Are you president?? Nope, didn't think so."_

_  
Bella: "-snicker-"_

**[4.] Immigration**

_Emmett: "Ok, so the illegal aliens com over into OUR land and take OUR jobs and earn half of OUR money. Does that seem fair to you? -looks around- Didn't think so."_

_  
Esme: "But Emmett! They are people too!!! You have to be-"_

_  
Emmett: "Shh."_

**  
[5.] Taxes**

_Emmett: "Taxes suck! I say we all stop paying them! Like a boycott! And it'll be like the old days! No nuclear missiles, blowing each other up from afar, but good 'ole hand-to-hand combat!!"_

_  
Jasper: "Yup, just like 'ole times. -smiles evilly- "_

_  
Emmett: "Haha -moves away from Jasper slowly-"_


	2. Author's Note!

**So, I was wondering if you guys would like me to continue this story. I must warn you however, the next chapter won't be Emmett. I mean, in later chapters, I might come back to him as the President...but the next chapter will be "Rosalie for President". But, don't worry! There will still be the humor that you guys love even though there's no Emmett. So, let me know!! I will also do the other Twilight characters, and if you guys want me to continue, I might even take requests for who you want to be President next!**


	3. Rosalie's Turn!

**So, here is Rosalie as President! I hope you guys like it! And just so you know, I made the power kind of go to Rosalie's head. I didn't intend for it to go that way, but it did. Sorry if you guys don't like it. D= The only part I don't like is the last little subject. I ran out of ideas, and just went with that. Sorry.**

**R+R, please. Let me know what you think! And, tell me how I can make it better!**

**[1.] The New Beauty Laws  
**

_Rosalie: "As of today, I, Rosalie, Supreme Ruler of Them All, hereby decree that you will wear make-up everyday of every year, and once a month you will have an inspection to make sure that you are trying to make your self as pretty as possible, as an honor to me, your great leader. However, You will not have to wear make-up on certain days. This is because I will need to remind myself how gorgeous I am by seeing you at your worst." _

_Bella: -shocked- "But, Rosalie! What about me?! You know how I hate make-up!"_

_Rosalie: "That's Mrs. Supreme Ruler or My Great Leader to you, Swan. And, as for your personal preferences, I don't care. I'm president, and I will do as I want."_

_Emmett: "Rosie, baby, I'm a _man_ I don't do make-up…."_

_Rosalie: "It's Mrs. Supreme Ruler or My Great Leader to you, too, tough guy. Also, I need to feel pretty. You don't want to deprive me of feeling pretty, do you Emmett? -pouts- I really thought you understood me, but I guess I was wrong. -shrugs-"_

_Emmett: "But- I- Oh, never mind. -pouts-"_

_Rosalie: "Enough chit-chat! I'm late for my manicure. Ta-ta my fellow Americans! I'll see you soon!" _

**[2.] The Baby Giving. **

_Rosalie: "As an honor to you, the American people, I, your great leader, will pick one of your babies to raise them as my own! I am keeping my wonderful husband's old plan for lining up, just so you know. This will happen every other year. So, what are you waiting for? Line up."_

_Woman # 1: "But! What if I don't want you to have my baby?!"_

_Rosalie: "Too bad. And who said I'd even want your child anyway? It's probably hideo- Oh. My. God. Look at his little cheeks! He's so adorable! Can- Can I hold him?"_

_Woman #1: -reluctant- "Uh…I guess so…."_

_Rosalie: -cooing- "Aw. You're just so adorable! I would pinch your cheeks, but…that might kill you. Haha."_

_Woman #1: -moving closer to baby- "Haha. Yea. Um…you're kidding, right? Can I have him back, now?"_

_Rosalie: "Yes, you are adorable! That's right! Oh! You're hungry. Let's go get you some food." -walks off with baby-_

_Woman #1: Come back! Noooo!_

_Esme: ROSALIE HALE/CULLEN! Get back here with that baby right this second!"_

_Rosalie: "Ugh! Fine! I can't even get a baby as president…. How crappy is that?"_ _-reluctantly gives the baby back-_

**[3.] Bring out soldiers back!**

_Rosalie: "I, your great leader have devised another wonderful plan! After talking to my brother Jasper, I have decided to bring our troops back home! In their place, we are sending in someone who is strong."_

_Emmett: -flexes muscles- "Oh, yea."_

_Rosalie: "Someone who has big, rippling muscles that could intimidate a bear."_

_Emmett: -to Bella- "I have a feeling they're talking about me."_

_Bella: "I just bet they are, Emmett." -chuckles-_

_Rosalie: "Someone with a gorgeous face. A face that will trick the opponent into thinking that he's a big 'ole teddy bear. A face that I like to stare at all day long."_

_Emmett: "I'm 'gonna turn 'em down. My plate is full right now. I just can't deal with war."_

_Edward: "Just what is your plate full of? Last I knew it was telling embarrassing stories about me. You aren't busy!"  
_

_Emmett: "Shh. I wanna hear what else they say about me."_

_Rosalie: "Someone, who you the American people know. Someone, who is smart enough to do tactics to take the enemy down. Someone, who is indestructible. That person is-"_

_Emmett: -jumping on stage- "Look, you guys, I'm honored. But, I'm just not ready to have this kind of responsibility."_

_Rosalie: "Arnold Schwarzenegger!"_

_Emmett: "Awww. I thought it was me." -pouts while walking off stage dejectedly.-_

_Rosalie: "I'll let Jasper explain the rest. I have to go take care of a man with a wounded ego. Oh, Emmett!!" -runs after him-_

**[4.] Secret Time**

_Rosalie: "I, your Supreme Ruler, have a secret to tell you! Okay…so I was just walking along, right? And then I heard Arnold an Jasper talking about our plan. Arnold said that he wasn't goi-"_

_Jasper: "Rosalie. Shush. It's O.K.. You didn't really hear that."_

_Rosalie: "No…I know I did…."_

_Jasper: "Uh-huh. Sure. I think the power has gone to your head. It's time to step down." -using his powers to urge Rosalie towards submission -_

_Rosalie: Uh…Okay? I, your great leader, Rosalie Hale ste- Hah! Got you Jasper!! You though I was going to believe you! Hahah! I win! But, anyways, I heard that Arnold wasn't really fully indestructible. He only is from the waist up."_

_Jasper: "Dang it! Well, yea, it's true. But, he can still serve our country, so the plan is still a go!"_

_Man In Crowd: "I have a secret!"_

_Rosalie: "Oh lord. What is it?"_

_Man In Crowd: "We have turned to a new President! You have been overthrown!_

_Rosalie: -smiling- "Thank God. This job was getting tiring, Besides, I was missing my Emmett time. So, who did you guys vote for?"_

_Man in Crowd: "We voted for…."_

**If you guys want, you can vote for who you want the President to be. Just leave it in the comments. =D**


	4. The New President's Rules

**Here it is, people! We hope you like this!! We got a lot of Pms about the character we picked to be president. **

**[1.] The Future!**

_Alice: "Okay guys. The future of this country is changing way too much! You guys need to make up your minds. So, I decree that you guys are no longer allowed to make decisions."_

Random Lady: "What are we supposed to do? Sit around all day and stare at the walls?"

Alice: "Yes"

**[2.] Shopping**

_Alice: "Everyone has to go shopping at __least__ once a week!"_

_Bella: "Alice! No way am I __ever__ going to do that!"_

_Alice: " But… Bella!" -super pout- "Please?"_

_Bella: "No."_

_Alice: "Jasper! Make Bella agree with me!!"_

_Jasper: "Now, darlin'. You know I can't do that…."_

_Alice: "Pleease?" -bats eyes-_

_Jasper: -gives in and messes with Bella and her emotions-_

_Edward: "I am so going to kill Jasper for this."_

_Emmett: "Haha, good luck facing the wrath of Alice…."_

_Edward: "Nevermind."_

_Bella: "I love shopping! I can't wait until this is official! __Alice… It's Barbie Bella time!!"_

_Alice: "That's what I thought."_

**[3.] Clothes for the Poor. **

_Alice: "While we're on the subject of clothes, I would like to say that I cannot __stand__ those poor hobos dressed in rags. So, I propose that we give designer clothes to them for free. Also, it's going to be the new official dress code. Everyone __must __buy new designer clothes to wear! Or, you have to go to jail."_

Random Woman: "But, what if we can't afford designer clothes?"

Alice: "Ugh. You again. Well, I hope you like prison food!"

**[4] Height Restrictions**

_Alice: "I'm short. I do not like being short. I demand that no one can be taller than me anymore. Got it?"_

_Man in crowd: "But I'm 6'2"! I can't help it! What do you propose I do?"_

_Alice: " Hope you can walk on your knees!" -evil smile-_


	5. Alice's Reign Ends

**We haven't updated in FOREVER! Haha, so, Alice's reign is O-V-E-R! ;D So, I hope we still have our skills. Here it is!! (Sorry it's short-out of ideas so please help!!)**

_Alice: "So, I decided that being president has seriously been conflicting with my shopping routine. I have chosen your new president! She is adorable…."_

_Rosalie: "I have a feeling she chose me!"_

_Alice: "Sweet as can be…."_

_Rosalie: "Oh. Maybe not."_

_Bella: "ITS ABOUT TIME THEY PICKED ME " -superduper smiley face-_

_Alice: "And, she is….Renesmee!"_

_Bella: "But-but-she's only like, two years old." -sulking- _

_Everyone: "..."_

_Renesmee: "Thank you very much, Auntie Alice. I am now going to start my reign as Dictator!"__**  
**_**[1.] Child Labor Laws**

Jacob: "Its PRESIDENT, sweetie"

Renesmee: "Oh."

_Renesmee: "Child labor laws need to be enforced! Poor children working in the blueberry fields from dawn till dusk- Its sickening!! So, from now on, you will be fed to the wolves if you work children."_

_Jacob: "But, we don't eat-"_

_Renesmee: "BUT JAKE! Pwease? I'll love you forever."_

_Jacob: "Um…ok." -sadface-_

_Renesmee: "This even includes chores. Adults need to get up off their lazy butts and do the work themselves."_

_Random Woman: "HEY NOW! I DO NOT-"_

_Jacob "RAAAWWWWRRR"_

_Random woman: "Yes sir."_

Renesmee: "That's what I thought."

**[2.] Animal Rights**

_Renesmee: "No choke collars, muzzles, cages, or restraints will be permitted under my new 'Animal Rights FTW' act. Animals should be free and wild! They should be able to get dirty and chase cars!" -dreamy look in eyes-_

_Jacob: "I think I just fell in love all over again."_

_Emmett: "Damn."_

_Edward: "What's wrong?"_**[3.] Jacob**

Emmett: "No more tying Leah to the tree in the forest when she gets annoying."

_Renesmee: "I'm bored."_

_Random Woman: "Well then why don't you give up office? And become a vet?"_

_Renesmee: "YOU. ARE. A. GENIUS. OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH JAKEEEEE!!"_

_Jacob: "Yes, my sweet little puppy-vampire-human-thing….Anyway, yes?"_

_Renesmee: "You're turn. Hopefully you'll last longer than the rest of us did." -hug-_

_Jacob: "..." -shocked-_

_Jacob: "I GOT THE POWER!!"_**TO BE CONTINUED. If you want. But only if you R+R~**


	6. Jacob Time!

**~READ~**

**Sorry this has taken so long…I know it might not seem like it but I still love you guys! Alright, because of some reviews telling me that script format is not allowed, I am going to have to write this in a different way…lemme know what you think. : )**

Also, remember, every thing I type in this is for laughs and is not necessarily my own opinion. I apologize in advance in case I offend anyone. : )

Disclaimer: Not mine. D:  


**JACOB AS PRESIDENT.**

As I stepped up to the podium, I stood a little straighter. I. Could. Do. This. I was Jacob Black. I was a beast…literally. I am _the _Alpha dog. The man. I can do this.

"Oh, uh…hello everybody! My name is Jacob, and I am your new president! So, for starters, I am going to keep all the amazing laws my darling Nessie instated, just so you know, as well as add some of my own. So, here we go!"

**[1.] ILLEGAL ALIENS**

I smiled out to the crowd. They were either going to love me or hate me for this. Thankfully Esme wasn't here to interrupt me like she did Emmett.

"For starters, illegal aliens. I decree that we are going to have stricter laws against them! All border patrol can now have flamethrowers! Because, illegal aliens cause all the pains in the world! Like-"

"Stealing our jobs for meager pay!" Shouted one woman.

"Making gangs that kill out children!" Yelled a man near the front.

" Make us make riots for and against them!" Snarled a nice looking old lady, who obviously wasn't as nice as she seemed.

"Yes, yes, and yes. All of that is true! But worst of all, they cause out inner beasts to come out!" I cast a significant look at the Cullens. "Not to mention, they ruin their lives, bring enemies into our territory, and cause us pain and suffering in the mind!"

"Not to mention," I continued, "they also steal the people you love…" I finished with a glare at Edward and a grimace. The crowd, who once was rowdy was now calm and quiet. They were digesting my words.  
That was, until…

"Do you think he was trying to send us a message?" Bellowed Emmett. He was answered with a smack from Blondie and a laugh from the crowd. Stupid bloodsucker. Just because I loved Nessie, and I admit them doesn't mean I still can't hold a grudge.

**[2.] THE OIL SPILL**

"Now, on to our next topic, the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico." I thundered. "I am enraged to hear that not everything is being done that can be!"

Right after that statement I was met with applause from the audience, who obviously agreed.

"I love the beach! I love surfing, fishing, and boating. Not to mention shell collecting" I nodded as I continued on, "I also love sea creatures! They are so intelligent and adorable!"

"Oh, he would like sharks but not us!" Snorted Blondie, in disgust. "They're just the same, only dumber."

"Excuse you," I said getting heated up, "but they don't stare at themselves for hours in a mirror. They, unlike you, have a life."

"You're cruel and unusual. And you lick yourself" She shot right back.

"At least I don't destroy the house with my wild, crazy, hot and passionate-"

"Jacob, you and Nessie better _not _be-" Edward growled.

"Alright, alright, haha, I, um…think It's time for me to go into hiding- I mean pick a new leader." I stammered out. "Your new leader is…" I trailed off as I let my gaze sweep over the crowd. "Um…." I smiled as my eyes landed on the next victim.

**You guys get to pick the new president. : )  
So, R+R or no new chapter for you. Cause I get ideas when I'm given a character, not pick them. Weird, huh? **


	7. The Yummy new President with innuendos!

**Hello, loves. : ) Well, I plan on doing two more Cullens then moving on to other Twilight characters! What do you think about that?**

Now, on to the story…who will the new president be? Dundundun~!

I fiddled nervously as I stepped onto the stage. I wasn't sure I could do this. Sure, I was intelligent, handsome and compassionate, but that seemed to be the issue. I don't think I could force people to follow my rules. It seemed so…uncompassionate.

"Hello," I said in my velvet voice as I stepped up to the podium. "my name is Carlisle and I am your new president."

"OWOW!" Some woman in the front called with a very suggestive wink. She was dressed very provocatively. I guess some people thought that was attractive, but it just didn't turn me on. ***A.N.-this makes me laugh so much for some reason*** Some man I assumed was her husband shot a glare at me.

"Oh, uh…thank you." I said appreciatively. Now, it was time for business.

**[1.] YOUR HEALTH, NOT HEALTH CARE**

"For starters," I started, "I wou-"

"You could start me up anytime!" Yelled the provocative woman, interrupting me. How rude. I glanced over to my family and saw that Edward was grimacing-probably because of that woman's thoughts. I had to admit, it was a little flattering.

"Please," I said, "Refrain from making sexual innuendos at my expense." I was met with a non-reassuring smile.

"Yes, well, anyway, I would like to start with your health." I continued, "While doctors need money, I feel that the patients should come first. So, I, being a doctor-"

I was interrupted once again by the woman up front yelling out, "I sure hope you major in gynecology!"

I'm sure that if I were human I would've blushed…like Bella used to but my blush would be much more attractive, I'm sure. This woman was getting on my last nerve. I was startled by a growl from the direction of my family. I turned to see Esme barely containing herself. Oh, dear. She was jealous.

"So, being a doctor I decided that we would pay doctors a salary from the government, but patients won't have to pay." I finished.

**[2.] PEACE AMONG US**

"Moving on," I started. "I hereby decree that we will enter an era of peace. No violence, war, or physical combat that is meant to cause harm against your brothers. By brothers, I mean people of the other race, religion, beliefs, and species." I smiled out at the crowd but was met by confused glances.

"Species?" Asked a burly man in the middle of the crowd.

"Uh…Umm…." I stammered out. I couldn't let them know about us, or the wolves! That would mean disaster! "I mean that we should all try to become vegetarians, in order to protect the animals of the world!"

"Oooohhh." The crowd said together. Whew. I avoided something potentially disastrous there.

"So, when you say physical combat meant to cause pain, does that count in bed?" The woman bellowed out with what I assumed she though was a sexy hip twirl. I shook my head and sighed.

"Oh, I give up. Jasper, your turn. I can't deal with this anymore." I shouted as a ran from the podium.

**Alright, so what do you think? R+R or no new chapter! Haha, just kidding. I'm not that mean. : )  
But, R+R would be greatly appreciated. As would a BETA, if anyone is interested!**


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